Bitches are crazy!!

Warning: Contents will include rude humor, sexual content and coarse language. Reader discretion is advised!!

Hello Kids!!

This one is all about the CRAZY. The crazy girls that is! This came as an idea to me a few weeks back after having a conversation with a co-worker (who we will call Mr. X). After a long weekend he basically stumbled into work on Monday morning looking like his pillow was still on his face. We went for coffee and he told me about his horrible horror of a weekend getaway with his wife. She totally destroyed any chance of them having a good weekend within the first minute of checking into their hotel.  Any who, I really don’t want to go into the specifics of what happened to make the nice gentle girl into a rabid beast but here is what happens when a bitch goes crazy.

I stole this from Barney Stinson from “How I met your mother” but he is totally right about this.  So it’s called the Hot VS. Crazy graph and it’s pretty straight forward. The hotter the girl the crazier she will be. Guys, you basically want to stay away from the crazy section all together even is she’s at the top  of the  chart hot because she will be a fucking nut case.  Please believe me and save yourself the stress, grey hairs and months of arguing instead of sex. I know a few hot/crazies and they are the worst girlfriend/friend/fuckfriend a guy could ever be stuck with.

She will suck up to your Dad in a weird flirty way that will actually make you think your Dad is hitting that and they would hate fuck the shit out of your buddies the second you turn around. But she will go all Crazy eyes on you the second you two have sex. You will no longer be able to breathe without feeling guilty.

Now don’t get me wrong I’m not trashing the crazy bitch because I’m jealous in a weird way (what kind of sick person would be?!) I’m simply voicing it out because as a girl we also get some of this crazy bitch action from our crazy friend. If you, the guy, decide to not answer your phone and we are the lucky one in sight….*sigh* we get to hear all of the “What the Fuck”…”where the hell is he”…”he better not be with that slut Britney”… I hope he knows how much trouble he’s in”… I’m sure he forgot all about me and is having a blast while I worry about where he is”…The list of complaints is endless. You would think that after about an hour of redial and filling up on your voice mail that she would give up… HAHAHHA, no you do not get off so easily and neither do we. She will run to FACEBOOK and stalk all you friends to see if anyone has tagged you somewhere. Then BINGO, you are in major shit. You best bud just tagged you in his status update: “WAOH, That was a fucking amazing night, “insert your name here” can do some fucked up shit.”

Shit has hit the fan in her mind. You probably went to the club, got into a fight, went to the strippers, got a trillion dances, then took a hooker home and banged her in front of all your friends!

But let’s face it your bud was pretty totalled himself that night. After a few poker games and a few to many beers, you guys walked back home and peed on a hobo. (In my opinion, still a fucked up thing to do, but much better than the fairy tale that bitch has in mind). So after seeing the facebook shit maker, she decided to write you a very public, very bitch/crazy message directly on your facebook wall. “Douche bag, what the fuck??? I hope you had fun tonight and that it was worth loosing me”……… 14 hours later, you wake up to pee smelling pants and a hell of a wake up message form the hot mess you said was great! After about three days of arguing, her crying, yelling, maybe even slapping you she will go through about 20 emotions, alot that you won't even know existed. She will cry, laugh, scream, fall on the ground and do a fit like a five year old... she will pull out all the tricks to make you apolagize... funny thing is most of you do..

So that is what happens behind the scene when a hot/crazy shit looses her shit because she is just simply fucking retarded.

My biggest question out of all of this is…

Why the fuck do the guys stay with them. The sex must be mind blowingly, brain smashingly awesome to put up with that. Let me know because I’m at a loss….

Emerald Dusk - Chapter two: Crying out loud.

I turned around to look at my mother one more time. I had made the same promise as Brody. “I’ll write to you as soon as I can”. I don’t know when that will be but I will not break my promise. There were solders everywhere. The helicopters where making it very hard to hear the sergeant screaming at me. The line we are in starts to move fast and we all jog for the nearest cargo plane. Once on the plane and strapped in, I look out to my home. I see Flow standing there with Brody’s sweater held tightly in her arms. She must see us, because she starts waving at my sister and I. Jade turns to me: “Do you think mom will be o.k. alone?” I look at my sister and see that she is worried for our mother. ”She has been talking care of us since Dad died, she will be more than good with us out of her way, she can relax now.”  “Ya, we have been a lot to handle, I wish we would have made it easier on her”

Just then I heard a big crashing sound and the plane rocked back and forth. I could only see smoke and fire. The sergeant in charge of our group told us to keep a tight hold and that we would be out of the smoke in a few minutes. I tried not to breath in the smoke but all I could do was gasp for air as I tried to see what was blown up outside the plane. We got up high enough that the air around us cleared but we still could not see the town bellow us.  

I leaned back and relaxed a little. The plane stayed level and we stopped swaying. I started looking at the other recruits on board. There were 12 of us in total. Some looked terrified. One girl was sitting alone in a corner far away from everyone crying. Another boy is standing close to the ledge of the door looking down with a hopeless look on his face. Close to this boy is a girl, she looks like she’s making a run for the door. JADE!!! GET BACK HERE.”  She was running for the open cargo door in the back of the plane. Luckily the boy standing on the ledge caught her and pinned her down. Jade is frantic. She is kicking and screaming at the boy to let her go. I get to her and hold her on my arms tight: “What were you thinking, jumping out??? I thought you were ready for this. I though you wanted to go to war??”

“MOMMA!!!!!” Jade is clutching my back so hard I can hardly breathe. I don’t understand why she is freaking out. She always said she was ready. Why did she doubt herself now? Jade doesn’t stop fighting me: “let me go you fucking idiot, MOM!!!” She spits at my face and hits me in the ribs. I lose grip on her. She runs to the ledge and lies down on her stomach. Her head is hanging out the back of the plane as she cries out. My heart is torn as I look at my sister. She was so strong just a few minutes ago. Yet, she is not jumping out of the plane like I’m anticipating. “MOMMA!!!!!” Jade turns and looks at me. Her eyes a filled with tears. “XANDER, you fucking prick, this is all your fault. If you would have been smarter, you would have found us a better hiding spot and we would not have left mom, I HATE YOU. It’s all your fault” I start getting an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. I make my way to my sister and kneel down. She starts to hit me again and throws a good punch straight at my face. I am amazed at her force and stumble to the floor with my head only inches from the opening. It took me a minute to realize and understand what I’m seeing.

I understood it all right then. My shitty hiding place, our home, is nothing more the rubble. This was all my fault. My mother just died and it was all my fault.

Emerald Dusk

This is my first posting of my short story. I have a projet i call: A picture is not worth a thousand words.

A friend submitted this picture and a scince fiction theme to it. i started to write and this is chapter 1.

(note: This was suppsoe to be a small short story, but from what it looks like, i think it will be bigger.)

Chapter One: At War.

In 2050, the human population almost went extinct. World War three was short lived; however when the fourth broke out, it never finished. The world is not the same as it was before. One big accident happened during WWIII that they covered up. No one knows why but everything in the sky turned green. The sun never shined the bright way ever again. It looked like dawn or dusk all the time, with a sickening green look to everything. Soldiers were recruited as of the age of 18, whether you wanted to or not. Girls and boys alike were forced to go. As the years went by, the human population got smaller and smaller. The reason for this war was a mystery to the soldiers and their families.

My mother; Flow, my sister; Jade and my older brother Rory all lived together. My dad passed away in WWIII. Rory was the first one recruited to go to war 7 years ago. After promising to my mother he would write to her, we never got any news. Four months after he left we got a letter in the mail for the authorities that Rory was lost at war. It came with his sweater and dog tags. After that happened my mother got so scared of the day my sister and I turned 18 that we went into hiding. Our hiding place was not very good. The authorities found us after just two days. We were sent to the camps. The camps are where families with 15 years old children go until they turn 18. We made this place our home until it was time to move on.

“XANDER, GET UP!!”

I wake up to my mother shaking me franticly. Her screams are deathening. “MOM, what’s wrong?” From what I can see though our only small window, it’s still dark out. “Xander, you will be late if you don’t get ready”.  I get up from my bed on the floor and roll up my sleeping bag. Jade, my twin sister is already up and ready to go. She’s been ready since Rory left. My mother is pacing the floor with her arms crossed over her chest. I can tell she has something in her hands. It’s Rory’s dog tags. She has a sad, worried look on her face. Jade is looking at me like I’m the slowest person in the world. “If you are slow like that out there, you’ll die as soon as we get to where we are going; you’re like a fucking standing target” My mother shoots her a nasty look and my sister apologizes to my mother for swearing. I eat a bowl of hot oatmeal and get dressed. My mother and sister watch me. I feel them getting anxious so I hurry up. Before I know it, I’m hugging my mother goodbye and walking out the door with my sister. Little do I know this would be the last time I see my mother.

My name is Xander Steel; my twin sister and I turn 18 today. We are going to War.

Hazard

Hello Kids!!

So basically this entry is all about how I’m a hazard to myself and making fun of that. I consider myself as “moderately clumsy”. I do not fall a lot but my shoe tends to find any and ALL little small cracks in the ground to trip over. It’s like my feet have radars under them to locate those damn bumps or maybe I’m just heavy footed. I do not shuffle my feet when I walk cause well, let’s face it, that’s just annoying. I am trying to convince myself more then you that I am not clumsy. Here are a few things that happened to me that prove me wrong…because let’s face it; I am clumsy.

I fall down stairs a lot. Probably more than the recommended dose. LOL.  Once, I was late to go to school and was going down the stair faster than I should with my giant blue monkey slippers. I missed a step or one jump out from under me (damn those moving steps LOL) and I saw the concrete basement floor coming at an alarming speed. Thank god I was quick enough and put my hands and arms over my head. The floor put up a good fight but I go away with just a few bruises.

                

 That time was not so bad I was older, use to falling and I knew how to do it with grace and dignity, but when I was younger, one moment will forever be in my mind or at least in the back of my throat.

 

FYI, this one has disaster written all over it

I was maybe 8 years old and I thought that I was the bomb playing the flute. No not the really cool big flute or the one you play holding sideways, not even one of those really cool wooden ones that sound just awesome. Nope, just the boring plastic flute.

 

I was playing the flute in my room being super awesome when I had the brilliant idea to get up to do something outside my bedroom (bad idea number one). I got up from my bed and walked around my room to the door while playing the flute (bad idea number two). I can to the door to find it closed *sigh*. Not wanting to stop playing the flute, I just did it “no hands style” (bad idea number three).

 I kept playing the flute while using one hand to open the door and the other doing nothing just for the heck of it (bad idea number four). In one stupid move I opened the door and walked out of my bedroom. Only I never made it out without one huge obstacle. The door frame jumped out at me like it was King Kong and the flute went right where it was aligned to go. Up my mouth and jabbed me in the back of the throat. Now keep in mind that I’m 8 when this all happened. I start to freak out since I’m having a hard time breathing. You see, when I jammed that flute down there, I basically poked at my air vent hard enough to block off the air and more me go into panic mode. I finally get enough air in my lungs to scream a horror movie award winning scream that makes my mom run up the stairs like she’s Rocky.

 

Too much freaking out happens because the only reason I can’t breathe is because I keep screaming. Cry, cry, cry, I finally calm down and all is fine. I do however have the scar of the evil flute on the back of my pallet.

 

So to conclude,

I have made a list of places or situations where you do not want to find yourself (or me for that matter) in order to avoid falling and being a hazard to your body. These are in order last one is the mother of all hazardous places.

5- Elevator vs. floor: You know some elevator and floors just don’t add up. One is higher than the other and it’s an accident waiting to happen.

4- The crack in the side walk: they say “Don’t step on the crack or your break your momma’s back” I say screw the sidewalk, keep to the streets at least the cracks there are filled with that black rubber thing.

3- Wet floor signs: Those are just bad news. For me, these signs are just a warning that I WILL fall. I get all tens and then I slip. I hate the man with the mop but I hate this sign even more.

 

2- Any kind of stairs: I get why they were created and I do appreciate them, they do make going up so much easier but do they have to make them so hazardous and weird. They should all be actually the same. Why some people have those circular ones, i will never underatnd. No small or big steps. ALL the same would be great thank you!

 1-    A bridge. Is there really much more needed to say besides that fact that a lot of them have guard rails to keep us from falling off (and the occasional jumper from doing what he came to do). They are accidents waiting to happen, just keep clear of these

Next post title: Girls are crazy

Pieces fall into place like the Domino effect.